Ever have those days when can’t stop smiling and are convinced every person driving past you must think you’re crazy? Yeah, that was definitely me this afternoon.

Things are going so very well – sometimes it’s hard to believe myself that it was just a month ago that I got home from the hospital when in so many ways it already seems like that “chapter” has closed. Despite my remarkably fond (thanks drugs!) memories of that time (*cough* Boob Voyage) I am so grateful to be moving forward.

I had another follow up with my plastic surgeon this afternoon, but first had the chance to catch up with an incredible woman who’s journey collided with mine a few months ago, and I’m so grateful that it did. Long story short, we met once and she’s been keeping up with me through the blog and we’ve exchanged many an email. I am forever grateful to Amy and Eryn for being “that girl”- the one who’s actually been there – to me and it is such an honor and blessing to pay it forward to someone else. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about how everything fell into place with our meeting and getting to this point – truly amazing, and just makes me smile. I gave her a few things that I consider surgery “must-haves,” we chatted, hugged, and it was just wonderful.

And then the smiling continued with GREAT news and progress with my plastic surgeon. Part of the greatness being that I get to brag on him by name and he no longer will be just “the awesome plastic surgeon.” Though Dr. Teotia is just that. I mean seriously, how many doctor appointments start with huge smiles and a hug? But don’t just take my word for it – take a few minutes to watch the video on the link above about his approach to breast reconstruction and you’ll see what I mean. Oh and did you see the part about going on humanitarian mission trips and doing surgery for kids who have no other resources? Yeah he does that too.

From a medical standpoint, everything looks simply fantastic. So fantastic there was a hesitation about changing anything. But that was short-lived and we decided on moving forward with one more expander fill – 50 cc on each side, bringing the total to 600 cc each which means we’re done filling. DONE!!!! In my effort to be a better “document-er,” I had the fabulous research coordinator (shout out to Jessica!) for the study I was in taking pictures and video. Dr. Teotia soon took over the filming himself, but before he did she caught this picture mid-fill. It so captures everything that makes him such a fantastic, compassionate doctor– the only thing that would make it better would be if the internet wasn’t the internet, and I could post the whole thing that has my facial expression in it too. Darn boobs messing up the picture!  But again. Just makes you smile. Who said this can’t be fun?!

The left expander weirdness is still there (you can tell it’s rotated based off of where the fill port is), but it’s bothering me far less as the expanders have settled, and he reassured me again that it will all be fixed with my next surgery. And actually this fill has made it so there’s less rippling and seemingly less pulling (on my sternum, that is). Definitely more tightness than I had with the first fill, as we’re doing some more notable stretching, but that was to be expected, so I’m taking it easy tonight. We talked about the exchange surgery again, specifically the implants, additional sutures to hold everything in place on that left side, and fat grafting. Hard to believe this was my last visit for the clinical trial I was in– seems like just yesterday I sat down with Jessica and she wrote out all the appointments. September seemed SO far away! So she took her final pictures, and then, since I’m DONE (did I mention that?!) I had professional pictures taken too. I almost have that “super girl” pose owned.

And, saving the best for last… before I left I got to truly look forward and schedule my exchange surgery!!!! My friends and I had joked about how I would likely get new boobs for Christmas… well it’s more like new boobs for Thanksgiving! That’s right, the countdown is on – November 22 is the day!! Woohoo!!! 77 days… I’d say “but who’s counting,” but let’s be honest you all know I am!! Can’t believe I’m already at this point and the end is truly in sight. Just amazing!!

So the waiting game has begun to let everything finish healing, and soon enough I’ll be seeing this guy in pre-op…

Needless to say, I’m still smiling!!

This time just four short weeks ago I was only a few hours out of the OR, laying perfectly still in a hospital bed, fearful to move my arms more than the movement it took to hit the button on my Morphine PCA. Four drains hung from my sides with bright red blood pooling in them every few hours. The pain was pretty significant, the muscle spasms worse. Thankfully, few remnants of that night remain. But the relief that I felt that night, despite the physical pain? That has stayed strong.

Earlier this week I saw an interesting thing in one of the BRCA-related Facebook groups I’m in that I hadn’t really considered before. And it really made me think. When we got the pathology report back a few days after my surgery that there was no cancer, we obviously celebrated – I beat cancer before it could beat me. Before it even had a chance to start. I can now laugh at this ecard without getting a pit in my stomach because I know there’s some truth to it:

But then there’s the part that I casually mentioned about having dense breast tissue. To be specific, the pathology report reads “Right breast: Breast parenchyma with focal adenosis” and “Left Breast: Benign breast parenchyma with fibrocystic and fibroadenomatoid changes.” I didn’t think much about it, since a) I already knew it was there, b) it’s benign, and c) it’s very common, especially in women my age. However, a wise woman pointed out that hers read the same thing, and while she too, celebrated, she couldn’t help but realize what was lurking. That those densities are precursors to lumps. Benign lumps. But lumps nonetheless. And in the BRCA world, no lump is benign until proven otherwise. That what was lurking was an abnormal mammogram or MRI, that would lead to an ultrasound and a biopsy. And with inconclusive results, a surgery. And potentially over and over again. Even if it wasn’t cancer, it would be the the fear that it was. And always could be. Explaining it that way? It gives me chills. That I had precursors in my breast tissue to everything that made me hate the idea of surveillance – the false positives, the unnecessary worries, the precious time (and sleep!) wasted. The not knowing “is this it? Is this the time they find something?” And that could have been me, pursuing that lump, as benign as it may be– in 6 months, a year, who knows how long. But that would have been my future. And thinking of it like that makes me even more relieved to know I won’t find myself in that vulnerable position. I made the right choice for me, at the right time, and have absolutely no regrets. Just relief.

So now that that’s off my (saline-filled) chest, on to the one month milestones! To update my “weekly progress”:

Incisions: Still looking great! Healing beautifully all around, improving every day. Still can’t get over how small they are – they are literally just on the sides and completely covered by a bra of pretty much any kind… oddly I’m looking forward to being able to wear a real bra! But sports ones for now it is. I have already decided my Christmas present to myself will be going to Nordstrom for a formal fitting post exchange surgery… and heck I may be the easiest person ever to buy presents for this year!!

Phantom Itching/Nerves: Nerve regeneration is definitely in action. I feel random shoots of feeling. Still totally numb across the nipples and most of the surface, from my sternum to my incisions, as expected. The searing back pain has thankfully subsided (knock on wood!) ironically since the day I asked my plastic surgeon about the sliding expander. I am so grateful for that, as it would wake me up from sleeping and hit me at the most random times. Random things like putting on deodorant still cause some weird nerve pain, but these occurrences are few and far between, and noticeably improved already. Oddly enough, goose bumps are the most painful of the weird sensations – who would have thought?! Thankfully my hoodie collection is more than adequate, so I just make a conscious point to stay warm.

Pain/Muscle spasms: No more muscle spasms at all! If only I could have assured myself they would be GONE a few weeks ago – ha! So glad they left with the drains! The expanders remain a tad uncomfortable, but really have gotten so much more tolerable. That, or I’m getting used to them. I’ll call it 80/20 on that! I had to laugh when my roommate was taking “tit pics” this evening to document my progress, and she was pointing something out and accidentally touched my boob (of course I can’t feel it). And she says “WHOA those are HARD!” I just had to laugh – it’s so true. They are totally rocks, boulder boobs, whatever you prefer to call them, just like everyone said they would be. Totally unnatural, that’s for sure! Especially the ports – they are ridiculously hard. I seriously can’t wait for the “squishiness” of gummy bears (final implants) in a few months! As for the discomfort, I still take Advil and Tylenol a couple times a day, more for the dull ache pulling on my sternum than anything. Sometimes I’ll feel muscle/tissue pulling when I’m reaching or trying to lift more than I should, but I generally know my limits. Range of motion is pretty much amazing at this point, and stretching out the soreness hurts so good.

Size: Ready to grow again! 50 cc made a decent difference, so I’m excited to get the show on the road later this week. Mainly because the rippling of the expanders is weird looking and contributing to the pulling sensation, I think. Thankfully, they’ll be filled on Thursday and that should mostly go away.

Sleep: HUGE relief here… sleep is So. Much. Better. It’s attributable to a variety of things… being back in my own bed, wearing myself out more every day, and the drain sites being healed/expanders getting less bothersome that I can comfortably sleep on my side now! I was an “everything” sleeper before… not dedicated to one position, though I’d often end up on my stomach. I’m oddly grateful for the months I had to sleep sitting up last year after my septoplasty/rhinoplasty, as I never had been a back sleeper before, but now it doesn’t bother me. But being able to move around is a HUGE help. And restful sleep just makes everything better!!!

Stir crazy: Oh so very gone! It’s hard to believe when I think back to just a week ago when I was updating this, and the progress I have made – like WHOA! I’d say I’m probably 90% (if not more) of the way back to my normal self already. This weekend I went to the first football game of the season for my college alma mater (which was legitimately a 12 hour affair between pre-game festivities and a late kickoff) on Saturday and to a matinee of Book of Morman (amazing. By the way) with my parents and Ruthie on Sunday. Monday I took it mostly easy, but attempted the first of my infamous “hurricanes” or as Amy and I have dubbed it “Sunday Prep Day” (except it was Monday). You know when have laundry going while you’re cooking while you’re cleaning while you’re… yeah. I don’t do well without all my ducks in a row before the work week starts! Ironically that stuff is harder than the trips out– you really use a lot of pec muscles to hang up laundry and reach for high kitchen shelves! But really, my weekend was no different than it would have been pre-mastectomy, and I wasn’t overly exhausted like I anticipated. And for just 4 weeks out? I call that a win!

Work: Ended up working a full day last Friday (there was stuff to do and not stuff to do at home!), and did fine, so it’s truly back in full swing now, and with good timing. So I ended up using 3.5 weeks of my 6 weeks approved FMLA – not too shabby! It’s great to be back. And good to be missed. Just would like to get caught up and ahead of things to my normal pace, which is a slow but steady process.

So that’s where I’m at! I continue to be so very grateful for everyone involved in my journey thus far – I wasn’t quite sure where I would be at one month out, but I truly couldn’t be happier. I don’t take my quick recovery for granted for a moment, and know I’m so fortunate to be where I’m at — in a place where I met people for the first time today that truly had no idea why I had been out, and would have never known if it hadn’t come up in conversation. That’s part great recovery, part amazing reconstructive surgery!! So going forward from here– oddly enough I’m actually looking forward to my plastic surgery appointment Thursday– he’s great, and more than anything it means PROGRESS! Ready for these next steps so by my 26th birthday this will hopefully all be a thing of the past! Craziness. But awesomeness! More to come then– enjoy the short week!!

Well, it’s official. Life is truly returning back to normal, just three weeks after being discharged from the hospital. And I couldn’t be happier! “Normal” feels so good!!

I talked to my boss yesterday morning, hoping to return to work for half days today, and in a matter of minutes she had an appointment set up with occupational health for my “fit to return” exam! I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty curious what this could possibly involve. Thankfully at this point I have no shame where peep shows are involved, but no… Just a couple questions. They were more concerned I hadn’t had a fit test for a TB mask this year. Me: “but I don’t have direct patient contact anymore.” Them: “but you’re still a nurse. We could need you in a mass casualty situation.” Uh okay… You really don’t want me doing CPR right now (no life-saving gonna be happening here with these recovering pecs!) but if that’s what it takes to get me back, so be it! And that was that.

So I was quickly on my way over to the main hospital. My mission: get my new office key, since all the locks were changed when I was out. Thankfully they had it at the police department and it was not, in fact, a hint! But my mission was so much more than completed. I can’t begin to explain the outpouring of support… I was speechless. So much love. So many hugs… I promise they don’t hurt me! But they may hurt YOU with these boulder boobs!! Also I have to laugh – I’m totally not offended when everyone’s eyes first go to the foobs when they first see me – but it cracks me up, and I would totally do the same thing. It happened over and over, and I just laughed and laughed! Thankfully they look fantastic so I have no shame in showing them off! I reconnected with all my coworkers and word got out fast that I was back – I hadn’t told anyone in case there was a snafu with my return. But not even an hour passed before I finally made it to my office and this was welcoming me:

So sweet. Oh and the dark chocolate and card. Can’t forget the chocolate!! After a couple hours I was beat (my endurance, while improving daily, is still lacking post surgery/recovery), so I headed home and took it easy for the rest of the night, feeling great about my return the following day. The big productive thing I did was put all of my “progress” pictures in a PowerPoint so they’re all in order for a newfound friend that’s going through this soon herself. And now it’s ready to send to other women that are up against this themselves. I was a little overwhelmed to see how quick the progress was, when every one of those 16 days with drains was a tad long! But seriously. It’s astounding.

Thankfully, everything went fantastically today as well for my first “official” day back. Felt so great to be back in my office, erasing my email away message, changing back my voicemail greeting. I don’t know that I actually got anything done, but did some epic calendar planning and I got my “GSD” (get shit stuff done) list complete to tackle in the days and weeks ahead. Thankfully I have some amazing help that stepped up while I was gone, so I didn’t return to a disaster!

I continued to be dumbfounded by everyone’s support, and it makes my heart so full to know how much I was missed. Can’t believe that with the conference, pre-op, and surgery itself it worked out to exactly a month, to the day, that I was gone. That time just FLEW!! It was so cathartic to erase the (Pinterest-inspired) dry erase board on my door today… And then the bottom message quickly appeared! 🙂

I’m doing pretty well this afternoon. Could easily fall asleep right now, but know I would never be able to sleep tonight. Foobs are a bit uncomfortable, but certainly bearable. It’s really just the expanders and their inherent discomfort. Concern got the best of me yesterday when I saw the sliding left expander while laying down stretching, but my wonderful plastic surgeon assured me that while it bugs him too, it is common and easily correctable. It’s just that the expanders aren’t sutured in (so they can, you know, expand) and the left one simply didn’t adhere to the muscle as much as the right, so it moves laterally. Thankfully a tight sports bra helps immensely. Though that gets to you too after awhile! Oh well. I can wear it 24/7 for a few months. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m looking forward to scheduling the exchange so I can start counting down!! All in good time, I know!

So I’m back in the normal working world… And it feels so good! I’m truly grateful to work with such amazing people, who make returning to work something I looked forward to. My work family never ceases to amaze me! I’ve got plans to begin returning to my normal social life with friends this weekend, and I can’t wait! Though I’m sure I’ll be grateful for the rest day of Labor Day. Hoping to be “back back” at work next week. A successful day indeed – so exciting to be enjoying “the other side!” Just a few more months and this will all be a memory… Thankfully an overwhelmingly positive one, despite the situation!

Hard to believe I was having surgery this time three weeks ago! Those weeks have FLOWN by! I’m so relieved to be doing as well as I am, and the first 24 hours back at my apartment have gone well! I still get tired more easily than I wish, but I’ve been pacing myself and have managed to get most things done that I’ve wanted to. Mainly unpacking and getting things back in order! This ended up being my biggest workout of the day:

Who knew putting away (particularly hanging up – thankfully there wasn’t much of that) laundry would be harder than driving? I sure didn’t see that one coming!

Figured I’d just touch base on the things from 2 weeks out, more than anything to keep track myself!

Incisions: Looking great! Last of the scabs were off this morning, so that’s awesome – glad they’re all closed. Drain sites are healing well, and bruising is all gone except for one small spot close to my sternum. Still so pleased and impressed!

Phantom itching: Still happens occasionally, but I’ve gotten used to it already. Equally as weird is the concept of “foob freeze” – like “brain freeze” with cold liquids. I can often feel drinks move all the way down. SO strange!

Nerves: The regeneration pains are definitely improving. We finally put together what was causing the worst of it – I noticed there was one place on my left, close to my incision, that would cause searing pain in my back when I touched it. Come to find out my moving left expander was hitting a nerve. The tight sports bras are helping this, and the weird expander situation, entirely. It’s actually more comfortable to be one that not, so other than showering the girls are being squeezed 24/7.

Muscle spasms: Gone! What a huge relief! The drains were definitely triggering these, and now that they’re gone, I don’t have them anymore which ROCKS!

Size: They’re definitely bigger! It’s funny to look down, or walk into things (yeah… graceful I am), as I’m getting used to the new size. And then by the time it’s natural, they’ll be growing again. The other big fill (which is still a relative term) is next Thursday – promises to be interesting!

Sleep: Still a struggle, but improving. I actually slept the best that I have in the past 3 weeks back in my own bed last night. A throne of pillows helps immensely, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is just part of having the expanders. Thankfully, a temporary thing! I can’t wait to be able to sleep on my stomach again! Or to be able to turn on my side more than ONE exact way without having expander jabbing in my sternum! But yes, totally functional now, but I did have to laugh when my roommate asked me around 7:45 this morning why I was up… yeah, sleeping in would be nice. But not happening!

Stir crazy: Definitely gone! Now that I can get out a little bit, it’s been a big help. Even if it’s just to doctor’s appointments, like today. Just working on getting things back in order and back to real life!

Work: Hoping to return super soon! Just waiting on all the official logistical stuff. Will plan on taking it really easy the first few days, and slowly get back into things before the middle of next month when things really pick up.

So that’s the latest. Still processing that it’s over, and trying to mentally gear up for the next few months, especially the exchange surgery! Can’t wait to have a date to start counting down to… looking like I may get new boobs for Christmas this year! Or at least in the Christmas season. Can’t wait for that!!

Bittersweet. That’s the only word I can use to describe the past few days. I’ve done pretty well avoiding the “post-mastectomy emotional roller coaster” that everyone on the blogs and Facebook assures me is inevitable, but it’s definitely hitting me today. And I knew it would – it’s been building up over the past 72 hours, knowing that my return to “normal life” is imminent.

Yesterday was a long one. I began the arduous process of packing up all my things that I’ve had at my parents for the past three weeks, so I could move back to my apartment. When you still can’t lift a lot, it makes for a ton of trips! But my wonderful parents helped me get it all together so we could move it all back. But first, one last lunch with my parents and Aunt before she had to hop a plane back home. And so begins the bittersweet.

Having my Aunt here for the past week has been so great – and it’s amazing to think back to the first day she got here and realize the progress I’ve made! She’s been such a help, my “personal nurse,” as she called herself, to both me and taking the burden off my parents (though they insist they don’t mind!) The joy of getting the final drains pulled wouldn’t have been the same without her presence – the presence of a survivor, of someone who has had breast cancer, who “get’s it.” But her wonderful visits always come to an end much too quickly, and it’s time to see “see you later” again. Thankfully, this time we know when that is for sure! Hopefully you’ve noticed that I was able to get all my “pages” at the top updated over the past few days, including the never-before-been-told back story to last October when I first started thinking about having this surgery. Well, last night we made our flights so we can recreate that horrible picture, and replace “Flat Diana” with “Fabulous Foobs Diana” at this year’s walk! Crazy the difference a year makes!

So with more wonderful memories made (many of just sitting around watching movies, playing cards, or sitting on the patio just enjoying being together, living intentionally), my Aunt was on her way. And my parents and I made our way back to my apartment with almost all of my stuff. Now hopefully you’ve gathered by now that my parents are pretty much the most incredible, generous, amazing people you will ever meet. They are a huge part of the bittersweet feelings today – as much as I know it’s time for me to get to back to life, and that living life is the whole reason I had this surgery in the first place, it’s hard to leave them when they make being home so great. The constant company, helping with everything possible, every-morning Starbucks, yummy vegan cooking, and, more than anything, just “being there” – I am so, eternally grateful for them, my best friends, there truly aren’t words. I hate that I had to have this surgery, but truly cherish the family time it brought us. As my Dad said last night, now we have “one less (big) thing to worry about!”

Not only did they haul all of my stuff back here, they then proceeded to clean my entire apartment, and take me grocery shopping, knowing it would have taken me a zillion trips. I’ve promised them I won’t overdo things these next few days, and all of their help and preparation has assured that! Because my breast surgeon post-op appointment was moved to this morning, I went back home with them last night. We were all tired so we called it an early night! But I am so grateful for my last night at home. Mom and Dad – I don’t know what I would do without you, and I wish there words to tell you how much I appreciate everything you do for me. Suffice to say, I love you dearly and “You’re the best!”

So this morning Mom and I set off to see my beloved breast surgeon for my post-op appointment. Now this should just be sweet, right? Getting the final all-clear to move onto a new, risk-reduced life? Not so much. I was equally heartbroken and excited to learn (my plastic surgeon spilled the beans while I was in the hospital – mainly to get me on the “guilt train” wagon that I happily hopped on!) that my breast surgeon will be relocating halfway across the country to one of the most premiere medical centers in the world. It is an amazing place and he will do incredible things there. I am so fortunate to have had an internationally recognized BRCA expert perform my surgery, and needless to say the timing was perfect – he’s leaving next month, so I will be one of the last patient’s that get to experience my literal “dream team” breast surgeon/plastic surgeon duo. He told me when I was getting ready to leave the hospital and giving him the necessary guilt trip, “you don’t need me anymore!” Yes, it’s true, the big part is over. The breast tissue is gone. And it wouldn’t have been the same if anyone else had done it. But, selfishly, it still sucks. So that’s the bitter part – he’s leaving us. And women won’t be able to have my breast and plastic surgeon work together like they did for me. But the sweet part? He happens to be moving not far from where my Aunt (and the rest of my extended family) live. So instead of having to find a new doctor to follow up with (that’s the beauty of this surgery – no more MRIs/mammograms/ultrasounds, just a yearly physical exam!), we will fly up a day early for vacation and continue to see him. I could never find a more perfect doctor, so it’s worth it to me and my Dad (he sees him yearly as well for surveillance since he’s BRCA positive) to make the trip for his expertise. I mean seriously, how many doctors will have a list of clinical interests that include:

• Breast cancer surgery
• Nipple-preserving mastectomy
• Cancer risk assessment
• High-risk breast cancer patients
• Cancer genetics
• BRCA1, BRCA2, Lynch Syndrome, Cowden Syndrome and other genetic mutations
• Lifestyle modification to prevent and manage breast cancer

Every single one of those apply to me, so seriously, just a perfect match. And I feel most comfortable continuing to see the person that did my surgery himself… even if it does involve a little bit of additional logistical planning! And the biggest “sweet” part of our visit: his report, that everything looks “beautiful!” Incisions, drain sites, reconstruction thus far, and of course, the clean pathology report. Sweet, sweet relief to have made it to this point.

Here’s my official “I conquered prophylactic bilateral mastectomy” montage – you know, before and after, in the CAPE! Haha those things never cease to crack me up. The left was at pre-op on July 22, the right today, August 26 – you can barely see a difference, but wow what a difference 5 weeks makes! The better way I like to caption that is “on the left: 87% chance of breast cancer, on the right: less than 10%”

So we ended the visit with mutual “thank you’s” and “we’ll see you next year’s”, a lovely survivor came in to explain post-mastectomy exercises, we had a rendezvous with my lovely nurse (I will certainly miss her!!), and we were off. With the “post-op visit” bookend over, the mastectomy part of this whole journey is complete! Only the reconstruction remains.

For such a crappy underlying situation, my entire surgery experience has been overwhelmingly positive. I was telling my mom last night that while the relief of being over the worst of it is almost overwhelming, how weird it was to have these bittersweet feelings as well, and she agreed – adding that it’s especially so because there was so much build-up over the last 6 months. It’s certainly not something I would ever want to repeat, but I have been astounded by the “good” in the people around us, and this experience has forever changed me as a person. I know that I am certainly a more empowered person by going through this, and believe those around me are as well. And I also know, through a perfectly timed email that I received right when I got back here today, that I’ve already helped at least one person going through this herself, and for that… it’s all worth it.

Not breaking tradition (and one of my most treasured one’s at that), Mom and I headed off to post-doctor-appointment lunch. And then it was time. Time to get in my car and drive back to my apartment. To the rest of my life that’s here waiting for me to live. Getting in the car was ridiculously reminiscent of college freshman move-in. You know that it’s “normal,” the right progression, and that incredible experiences await, but that doesn’t make it any easier to leave the warm comforts of home, both physically and emotionally. Thankfully the ugly cry (part 1 of ??) that followed waited until after I was off!

All the emotions and excitement of the last few days since my drains were pulled have left me fairly worn out, so I’ll be taking it easy at my apartment over the next few days, as I slowly get back into things. Amazing how simple “Activities of Daily Living,” as we medical peeps like to call them, will wear you out when you’re still recovering – my range of motion is probably at 80-90%, but lifting is difficult and especially so is reaching for things, as the expanders remain cumbersome. But I’ve got support, I’ve done remarkable healing over the past 3 weeks, and I know in my heart I’m ready for the next steps – “baby steps to independence” as my Mom says!