WOW!  What a day!  And what a difference a year makes!!  I’ve been looking forward to this day for so many months, and it was everything, and more, that I could have ever imagined.

I finally got a chance to write out the “back story” a couple months back on why I decided to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy, and today it truly came full circle.  For ease of reading, from “The Story:”

“We have to go back to October 2012 – that’s when it really hit me that I was turning 25 in 3 short months, and that I was inevitably going to have to face the fact that I am a “mutant” instead of just having it in the back of my head, like I had for the past 4 years since I found out in 2008. Every year since my Aunt was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 1995, she and my cousin have participated in a Breast Cancer Walk in their hometown each October (you know, when the world turns pink for a month). It had always been a wish of mine to complete this walk with them, and I decided what better year to do it than right before I was going to be thrown into the “pink world” myself? So that summer while visiting our family, my Mom and I decided we would go up, make a long weekend of it, and get our walk on.

At that point I was a full-time ICU nurse, so scheduling was easy – I worked 3 12 hour shifts a week, so long weekends were a frequent occurrence for me. We bought flights, and we were set. Well, as luck would have it, a once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity got literally dropped in my lap that August, and by September I found myself an 8-5, Monday-Friday girl. What?! Yeah, talk about transition! As I quickly caught onto the gist of this new job, I realized there was just no way I was going to be able to go up to the walk. I was pretty upset, to say the least. I insisted that my Mom still go without me, and being the jokers that my family is, they decided that I still had to go with them, one way or another.

This is the part of this story that gets a little funny (and hopefully not offensive!) Chances are if you spend any time around kids, you’ve heard of Flat Stanley… if you haven’t, Wikipedia is your friend. So the basic story is that little kids are given a paper doll-like little guy and he goes on travels/vacations with kids, and they take pictures with him. Well, my Mom decided to make “Flat Diana.” We laughed, Mom took a picture of me, and THIS is what happened (though for the record, they all insist they didn’t carry it like that for the entire 5K… the three of them took turns “carrying me through” to the finish line):

In the most innocent of ways possible, it looked like they were memorializing me. I thought maybe it was just me, so I showed the picture to a doctor I work with and, with no filter, he says “oh my God you’re dead.” And that’s when I had the moment of (excuse my French): “Oh shit. I can’t die. I can’t do this to my family. To my friends. I will NOT be THAT GIRL.” And that’s how it all began.”

And today, just one year later, after a successful surgery in August, I got to come to the walk and cross the finish line holding hands with my incredible Aunt, Mom, and Cousin.  It meant so much more this year, knowing that I have done everything in my power to beat breast cancer before it can even start.  It was such an incredible experience to see the SEA of pink (5000+!!) and be a part of it.

The absolute best part was, without a doubt, recreating this picture – having decreased my risk of breast cancer by over 90% from that horrible, scary one above, to today.  And all smiles, of course!

Here’s a montage of alllll the pink – such an inspirational experience to be surrounded by all that!

When we were last up here over the summer, my Aunt dug out all of her shirts from all those walks starting in 1995.  We had a lot of fun looking at all the designs, and then my Aunt sent them home with my Mom to make a quilt of them.  Well, my Mom truly redefined “T-Shirt Quilt,” that’s for sure, when she created this beauty.  See, those drain aprons were just a small taste of her craftiness!!  Such an incredible, thoughtful gift that I know my Aunt will treasure forever.

It was such a special, emotional experience to be out there today that I don’t even know what to say at this point.  So, instead of blabbering on, I’ll end with my personal favorite picture of the day, a butt pic, if you will – walking with my Aunt.  Survivor on the left, Previvor on the right.  THIS is what this is all about!

After such boring, monotonous posts the last couple weeks, I don’t even know where to begin… So much excitement with the beginning of “Pinktober!”  And it couldn’t be more fitting to fall on the big 8 week post-op milestone!

I am feeling fabulous.  Brilliant.  This past weekend marked the halfway point between my two surgeries (yeah I miscounted before…), and it was a perfect occasion.  I had the incredible opportunity  to be part of Bright Pink‘s FabFest (hosted by Giuliana Rancic!) in Chicago with Amy and Eryn.  It was such an incredible, almost surreal experience.  To be surrounded by 600 (!!) women that truly “get it” was truly indescribable.  I kind of alluded back to FabFest a few months ago when I mentioned raising money for an organization – well raise money, we did.  To attend FabFest, you must raise $500 for Bright Pink.  Well I finished with over $700, and had the necessary $500 in less than 12 hours.  Because my family and friends are that amazing, and we believe in the cause that is Bright Pink.

There were so many moments over the weekend that were just amazing.  First, just being with Amy and Eryn, two girls that I had no idea even existed 9 months ago, and yet have become such an integral part of my journey.  I would have gone through with the surgery regardless, but having them there to show me that it really was going to be okay, is something I will never take for granted. We had so much fun together, and it’s just surreal to think back to how our journeys crossed.  That we all met because of a blog – just wow.  Gives me chills to think about.

Then getting to FabFest and just seeing the sea of pink was almost overwhelming.  Lindsay Avner has created something truly incredible, and I am so excited to be a part of it.  Lindsay founded Bright Pink when she was just 23 – and at the time, the youngest in the country to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy.  She realized the lack of support for young, high risk women, and the rest is just history.  The organization is fun, smart, and so needed.  It’s such a fantastic resource, and the energy in this hotel ballroom was just contagious.

Lindsay and Giuliana had great things to say and led us in the world’s largest feel-up… to teach everyone the proper way to do a breast self exam, but still – hilarious!  They had incredible workout sessions, a ton of amazing booths with all sorts of vendors, and TONS of information on taking ownership of your breast and ovarian health.  And of course, and endless supply of bright pink.

But the most touching and memorable moment of the entire weekend was when we met two of the most amazing women I’ve ever met.  They were the gracious, and so very deserving, recipients of this weekend’s Fab-U-Wish.  Both girls were diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant, and, living across the country from each other, finally got to meet.  And in style.  The pictures are incredible of their time in Chicago, and there was not a dry eye in the room when they were introduced.  But what touched me most was getting to talk to them.  And, after explaining our stories, they applauded US for having prophylactic surgeries.  These women, beautiful with their post-chemo short hair and glow in their faces, who just fought one of the toughest battles out there, are giving US the kudos?!  Seriously?!  It was just amazing.  I am forever in awe of their strength, beauty, and courage – they are such examples of everything that Bright Pink embodies, and an example of true bravery.  Sarah and Adrienne – you are an incredible, and it was an honor to meet you both!

Suffice to say, I came back home inspired, empowered, and thrilled to become more involved with Bright Pink – I just attended a Bright Pink Dallas Meet and Greet last week, so it’s perfect timing.  It’s a cause near and dear to my heart, and an organization I am proud to support.  Here’s to a fabulous kick off to October, and particularly National Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer Awareness Week.  Hug a Previvor tomorrow – it’s National Previvor Day!  Celebrate this month however you wish, to celebrate all going through the journey, whether surviving, previving, or simply supporting!  Much love and pink to all!

Time is FLYING. It’s really rather insane. Most days go by without thinking of my surgery much – I run into people I haven’t seen in awhile and they ask how I’m doing. I reply “great!” like I would any other time I’m asked. Not realizing they’re really asking, how are you –surgery you– doing. It seems like such a long time ago and things are so much back to normal that it’s really hard to believe it’s in the past. But it is. And that’s amazing. Such a huge relief!!

I’m doing so remarkably well overall I can’t get over it. My left expander is the only thing causing discomfort. Both are uncomfortable – I heard someone describe them feeling like you’ve had on a too tight underwire bra for 4 hours too long. That’s about right. Ladies can appreciate that. They’re oddly sorer in the morning, making me feel like an arthritic old lady when I get up! But that weird left expander has rotated even more, which pulls on my sternum. So I’m living in a sports bra 24/7 because that’s oddly more comfortable. I’m not going crazy (yet) but know I will be antsy to get these things out very soon!! The crevices where the expanders end is just weird looking. Especially laying down – pretty freaky. A good reminder that I did, in fact, have surgery!

The only thing I’m still not back to pre surgery with is lifting. It’s just uncomfortable and causes aching in my chest and back. So while the expanders are in I’m just taking it easy and taking people up on my offers for help. No reason to push it and be sore – plenty of time ahead of me to be stubborn!

I’m relieved that even though the expanders feel wildly foreign to me, there’s nothing obvious if you don’t know. It is awkward when a stranger (guy) accidentally elbows you in the boob and starts apologizing profusely and you ask why… Because you felt nothing. Yeah that happened.

Got an email that threw me for a loop – my consent forms for my next surgery! What?! Yes, they’re on top of it. But that also means it’s soon-ish!! The last 2 weeks of work are like the busiest of the whole year, and the kickoff to our busy season. So oddly enough, unlike how I was counting down to the other surgery ready to get it over with, I haven’t had much time to think about it. But simultaneously know it will be here in no time!

Anyhow, nothing too exciting to share at this point. And that’s such a relief!! But there’s a bunch of exciting stuff coming up that I can’t wait to share… Pinktober has a whole new meaning this year and it’s just around the corner! Get ready!!

Nothing profound to say tonight, just want to acknowledge that it’s already been six whole weeks. In many ways I feel like I’m already “done” since I’m certainly past the worst of it. In even more ways it seems crazy that I’m gearing up for another (albeit MUCH smaller) surgery when I feel SO good! Truly miraculous it is. The end is on sight!!

Other than the occasional awkward bump or random nerve regeneration pain, there are days that if it wasn’t for making it a point to put stuff on my scars to lessen their appearance, I probably wouldn’t even think about my surgery. Really the most obvious is when I turn on my side to sleep and it takes a second to get comfortable due to the hard plastic of the expanders. And of course the lifting. But after my one slip last week I’ve been incredibly careful not to push it. Suffice to say, I couldn’t possibly be more grateful to be where I am.

While I get frustrated occasionally with the “foreign-ness” of the expanders, I’m really not in pain (except when freak-of-nature things like having your work computer fall on your foot happen… Which I guess is even more proof I’m almost entirely back to normal! Random crap happening is back). My range of motion is so close to being back to normal, my muscles just get tight. My level of activity is arguably back to 99.9% of pre-surgery. Work is back to crazy as usual and I’m able to embrace the crazy while still being there for my friends and family. Which is awesome. And the lingering bit of fatigue is pretty much all gone.

It’s pretty crazy to think that in just over 2 months I’ll be on the final road to recovery for this journey. And a journey it has been!

Holy WOW! 5 weeks already?! It’s hard to believe it’s been that long, but since I finally reached the end of my emails from when I was gone at work on Friday afternoon (yeah it took a week and half. Don’t judge), it almost feels like I haven’t been gone at all! And then there’s moments like yesterday when I was a complete idiot at Target and thought I could lift a bookshelf by myself that remind me HEY you just had a surgery last month! (Don’t worry Mom I’m fine… and also I get it, it’s statements like that why Dad won’t read the blog. And yes the roommate provided adequate shaming for all of you. And then brought it up to my office AND put it together for me… she’s awesome I’ve mentioned that yes?!) It’s an interesting transition, these weeks-out recovery days, yet simultaneously planning for the next surgery.

So I figured, what better way to mark 5 weeks, than 5 (brutally honest, yet mostly amusing) post-mastectomy confessions?

#1 That last fill? It hurt.

I said mostly amusing. Needless to say, I have a new appreciation for the statement “No pain no gain.” Literally and figuratively. I mentioned feeling a bit of tightness in my last blog post-fill, and went to sleep on Thursday not even uncomfortable, just cognizant of said tightness. And then I woke myself up around 6 am by moving my arm above my head. Actually I take that back. It was the feeling of a freaking machete in my chest that woke me up (no I’ve never been accused of over-exaggerating I don’t know what you’re talking about). But in all honestly, it was seriously the fiercest pain yet. Unlike any of the immediate post-op pain, it was unreal. Like took my breath away and made me nauseous. And caught me SO off guard! I got a shower and returned to bed seriously contemplating if I was going to be a productive member of society that day. I forced myself to get to work, and with tears (but not the crying type… just the what-the-heck-why-is-there-water-coming-out-of-my-eyes type) in my eyes answered every “are you okay?” with “I’m FINE.” I’ve also never been accused of being stubborn, if you’re wondering.

But yeah, sternums apparently really don’t like being pulled and stretched. And that’s what it was, a distinct bone pain – and I found myself feeling oddly grateful that I can’t feel my skin. Because I imagine that would have felt not awesome too. Even today there’s some residual dull aching, but it markedly improved by Friday night. I wasn’t quite getting the “fills hurt” chatter on Facebook/the blogs since my first was really just filling in versus stretching, but let me assure you. I get it now. But thankfully the chatter was also right in that in resolves in a few days. Also, wine helps. Just sayin. And they look fabulous. Fabulous I tell you!! So that makes it all worth it.

#2 I’m kind of enjoying this concept of having boobs.

So in total honesty, I had never considered a cosmetic boob job before. Like ever. Maybe it’s because I found out I was BRCA2 positive at age 20 and (I’ve now realized) subconsciously separated “me” from my breasts, but really I never thought twice about getting bigger boobs – just wasn’t interested. Didn’t really even consider myself that small – I was a B. Not a big B, but a B nonetheless. And it took me awhile after deciding to have this surgery to even come around to the idea of changing my size. My focus was 100% reducing my breast cancer risk while hoping to maintain as much normalcy as possible. I never got offended when people would say they’re jealous I was getting an insurance-covered boob job, because it was usually either joking or ignorant. And it’s so incredibly different I could never really wrap my head around comparing them anyhow.

But yeah, so I did eventually decide to go a little bigger to fit my frame. Little did I know what I was in for – my clothes fit fine before, or so I thought. Who knew THIS is how they’re supposed to fit?! That awkward gap in my armpit? Gone! And the bigger boobs make my whole body look SO much more in proportion it’s unreal, and I (and others) have already noticed my confidence is improved. My friends agree, they’re definitely bigger, but not TOO big, which is exactly what I was hoping for – like you wouldn’t be able to tell if you didn’t know. I’m so pleased with the size, and know once I have the permanent implants they will be that much more realistic looking (right now there’s an odd flatness/gapping where breast tissue used to be and now it’s just rib and then BAM! Expander). And I admit, it’s kind of fun, getting to enjoy the “plus” side to this inherently crappy situation. So darn it, I’m going to!!

#3 I’m celebrating new holidays. And I love it.

The BRCA/mastectomy world involves a lot of terms that may seem foreign to outsiders. It’s almost a whole new language. Words like Boob Voyage, BRCA-versary, or my personal favorite as of late, Boobiversary. I make it no secret that I love holidays. All of them. And I love Pinterest for making it totally acceptable to plan Christmas decorations in March. But I also love that my phone now autocorrects “Boobiversary.” And I love even more, that I got to attend my first Boobiversary party this weekend, for the one and only Amy.

I got a Facebook message a couple weeks ago from her fabulous sister, and let’s just say, we redefined “surprise” – she had NO idea…. see??

It was so perfect, and so fitting. It’s hard to believe her surgery was already a year ago, and that we’ve known each other for 9 months – that’s insanity!! But it was SO special to be there and celebrate such a huge milestone for her. Even though Friday was admittedly rough on my end, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world! And let’s be honest – her friends know how to decorate. And she really does have some “nice tits!” Love this girl!

#4 I’ve become a borderline exhibitionist

I never considered myself an overly modest person to begin with (I DID grow up in the competitive dance world… Yes “Dance Moms” style. Minus the insane crazy) plus being a nurse, it takes a LOT to embarrass me. Especially after you’ve had your shirt off for more strangers in the hospital than you care to count over the last couple months. But lately, I have to admit. I’ve become a flasher (okay maybe THAT’S why Dad won’t read the blog…) But seriously. At the full kitchen table at the apartment. Around the outdoor patio. The bathroom at work. Heck, in the car on the side of the road! Yeah that happened *cough* Eryn *cough* (that’s right, got to see both my original BRCA girls in one weekend, even it was only for a couple minutes!). And don’t even get me started on the “tit pic” texting. You ask how the girls are doing, you get a picture. Pretty simple. Or if in person, it’s a “wanna see?!” Someone posted this on Facebook and I laughed because it’s SO darn true!!

But since the last six weeks or so have been basically entirely boob-focused, I have pretty much become immune. My Facebook feed is filled with pictures from a private group that has been SUCH a help through all of this – but the majority are, of course, boobs. And I don’t think twice about it (or even better, post something along the lines of “looking good”, or my favorite comment on my last expander fill pic “bam chicka wow wow”), until someone is looking over my shoulder and I realize oh RIGHT – boob pics are NOT normal Facebook posts (except now they are…) To that end, thank goodness for the blogosphere for assuring me that my new found exhibitionism is, in fact, totally normal post-op behavior. Otherwise I’m not even sure what I would think of myself at this point! I hesitated to explain this concept for awhile on here for the sake of not sounding like I’ve gone entirely off the deep end, but then I read a blog post by one of the women I met on Facebook (I know that sounds shady but it’s really not!!) that I’ve grown to love who’s just over a week behind me in this process, and she took the words right out of my mouth. The best way to explain it is this: I really don’t feel like I’m showing off anything of MINE. There’s certainly no sexual connotation, and I feel no attachment whatsoever to these rocks called expanders. I don’t have much feeling, and what I do feel is entirely foreign and ANYTHING but natural. So it’s seriously like showing off a piece of art instead of part of my body. People are curious, and rightly so, and it’s just so much easier to explain things (like my amazeballs incisions, or where the drains were) when you see them, and since a lot of my friends are in the medical profession, it’s really not even that weird. They’re boobs. Heck, they’re FOOBS. And my surgeon did fantastic work so I’m not ashamed to show them off, so people can see that breast reconstruction can be nothing short of amazing.

But yes, I must confess. It’s happening. And it’s oddly harder to admit that I have no shame. Hopefully in a few months my boobs will feel like mine once again and I won’t feel the need to show them off. Unless asked of course. Because again with the fantastic and amazing-ness.

#5 My behavior in public is currently questionable. Boob behavior that is.

Also related to the above– After living in this boob-centric world, I must remind myself that it is not, in fact, acceptable to grab ones breasts foobs in public. Even if they hurt. Or if you’re trying to explain JUST HOW HARD expanders are (shout out to Ruthie for being the only one to actually admit how awkward hugs are! And I know, I’ve been on the receiving end!!) The best is when one of my girlfriends is poking them (again with the curiosity and the JUST HOW HARD) and a well-meaning guy turns the corner and walks into that. Cracks me up. Or the size is being discussed. Or the contour. Or the explanation of answering “do you have nipples?” No topic is off the table. And since I can’t feel them… I don’t always realize how the readjusting of the expanders looks! So I publicly apologize. And appreciate that everyone so far just joins in laughing with me!

So there you go, my five week confessions. This post-mastectomy world is certainly a little bit crazy, but I sure am glad to have you all along for the ride!!