By far, my favorite quote of the day from the lovely Amy… So perfectly describes today – probably the biggest day for BRCA awareness in history!

If you live under a rock haven’t heard, or didn’t get a fabulous midnight text about it like I did, Angelina Jolie came out today that she is BRCA1 positive and recently had a prophylactic mastectomy… Exactly the procedure I’m having in 2.5 months.

It’s so exciting to see the media world literally EXPLODE with awareness! Mostly good… Some terrifyingly uninformed. But people out there are talking! I had so many people ask “that’s what you’re doing, right?!” and inquire about what their potential risk is.

Needless to say, I’m so proud of Angelina for the decision she made, and respect how eloquently she described so many of the feelings I can identify with exactly. I’m so glad the world has a glimpse into this BRCA world. Though I think she had an added benefit in waking up from surgery to Brad Pitt! 🙂

Anyhow, just wanted to document this huge day for hereditary breast and ovarian cancer awareness… Excited to see where it goes from here!

First and foremost, Happy Mother’s Day to all! And especially my absolutely amazing Mom!

I just can’t stand having my last post the one that people see the first time they visit my blog. Because despite the inherent crappiness of this whole situation, it’s all been in an overwhelmingly positive light, and that’s how I want it to continue.

So much of the positivity is due to the people around me… I can’t reiterate how lucky I am. My brother and his girlfriend have been in town and I’ve had the blessing of being able to spend the whole long weekend with my whole immediate family together, and, as anticipated, it has been truly good for the soul. There’s just something about being around family that rejuvenates me. We’ve had fun all around town, and had an absolutely perfect Mother’s Day hanging around the pool… And I was crowned Domestic Diva! Haha. Dad and I did some epic baking.

On Saturday while the fam went to a museum, I went to my local
FORCE group meeting. I am so glad I took a leap of faith and went for the first time last November. I got to meet a few newly diagnosed women and it’s funny that I’m now one of ones with more experience in this crazy BRCA world. We watched the documentary “In the Family” which I watched way back when I first found out I was BRCA2+ but hadn’t seen since. I forgot it was such a tear jerker… But it was a great reminder of why I’m having this surgery. So I can look forward to many more weekends like this one. There is too much in life to look forward to! It’s so good to catch up with these ladies every couple of months… The “get it” factor is just so important!

Lastly I was literally left speechless this week. You all know I think highly if the Be Bright Pink foundation. Well I started a fundraising page to attend this year’s FabFest (more to come on that in the future… Suffice to say, SO excited) and had the money raised to attend the event in less than 12 hours. Again with how incredible my family and friends are. Like whoa. So thank you to all of you for being so supportive. You continue to amaze me daily.

Anyhow, a mostly non boob update for you! Coming up quick on the 80 day countdown mark. I’m starting Insanity on May 25 to seriously get my rear in shape for the surgery… Not being able to use chest muscles is daunting so gotta get this core ready to go! Kinda crazy to look at the calendar though… It’s a 9 week program and it will finish a week before my surgery. So not far away! Especially now that the “non-stop-ness” as I’ve dubbed it has officially begun! Another round of trips and a whole bunch of work busy-ness means time will be flying. Though I’m glad to hear other people agree that 2013 is a blur and it’s not just me!

Till next time… Have a great week!

In the interest of full disclosure… brutal honesty right here.

Had myself convinced I wasn’t going to blog about this, but then came around when I remembered promising I would blog the good, the bad, the ugly. Well, the ugly came out of nowhere yesterday. I think the frustration of being SO ready for this surgery and having to wait + the 100 day mark and getting impatient just got to me… ugly cry style. In the bathroom. At work. Awesome. It was short-lived, and it’s definitely the realization that despite my best efforts to compartmentalize (while still processing) everything my thoughts have been consumed with this surgery. My whole life revolves around it right now… planning anything farther than a couple months in advance requires “where will I be…” thoughts. And I’m ready to have this past me. So, so ready. I’m ready to think about something else and stop feeling so selfish… to be able to concentrate on the people around me instead of myself. Everyone who knows me I’m 2 things: a planner and a do-er. It’s a running joke that I “get shit done.” Well… this is some serious shit. And I’m ready for it to be DONE.

For whatever reason, the change from April to May today has helped my outlook immensely… 3 months now. 3 months. And they’re very busy, which bodes well for distraction. I know it will all be here in no time, and I’m grateful for having the time to process, but I’m there… I’m ready. It’s like I’m in a good place now I want to take the bull by the horns already! But I shall wait and appreciate the timing… there’s way too much coming up that I would be even MORE upset if I missed… just need those things to get here and this awkward in-between to be over! It sounds crazy in a way that I’m “looking forward” to this… but it’s looking forward to that relief and being able to look back and see these few months as just a blip in history. That’s the goal at least.

Also… Must. Stop. Facebooking. Found that great group for under 30 previvors which has been very informative, and then joined the picture one. Bad. Life. Choice. Tonight, at least. The owner of the group sent me a message welcoming me and telling me not to get discouraged… well touche! That was a valid point. Really I try not to think of the possible complications… because there are many. And they make me physically nauseous. I’m choosing to believe in the power of positive thinking! Though I do keep reminding myself of Amy’s advice of making sure your expectations aren’t too high… this IS reconstruction after all! Have I mentioned how incredible it is to know someone that’s been through this? And that assures you that your random crying is, in fact, normal?! Because wow. There aren’t words.

Anyhow… this is just to document this point in my “journey”… it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. I’m not superwoman… I am very much human. And this is a ridiculously emotional process… something that rational, Type A, list-making me must learn to accept. But I’m good now… promise (really, Mom!) Like I said, May has a breath of fresh air to it. I’m looking forward to some excellent quality time coming up with my family and closest friends… will be good for the soul! That is all…

I remember the day my surgery was scheduled I thought it would be interesting to see when 100 days out would be… made a mental (okay calendar) note to make a blog post… and I remember how far away the end of April seemed.  All of the sudden it’s here, and it brings along some new feelings.  Also I love my countdown app.  Seriously my “numbers obsession” is a running joke at work… along with my love for spreadsheets.  But hey at least I own my nerd-dom!  And yes I know my blog countdown is off… I also know I’m not smart enough to figure out why.

This blog has been quiet lately, I know… I’m kind of at a point where the newness of everything has worn off and I don’t have any “new” news, but at the same time the surgery date is still a ways off.  Though that’s not entirely true, the way time is flying by lately.  The last 8 weeks have been a complete blur… 3 work trips and a fun trip (love love love Seattle!) have made the time go even faster… now for 3 weeks at home before another group of trips.  The way they are spread out it mentally feels like once this next bunch start then the surgery is the last of the “events” currently in my calendar.  But processing has definitely been occurring.  It’s difficult to describe… there are times when I’m 100% confident in everything, and other times, generally around 2 am, when I wake up and it’s like “what the **** am I doing?!”  Though it’s mostly the former, thankfully!  Rational thoughts are the majority, for sure.  Adamant feelings of not ever having cancer… always there.

I had a good friend straight up ask me the other day “are you nervous?”  That’s hard to answer at this point.  I’m not sure really what I feel right now… it’s like I’m so ready for this surgery in a way I wish I could do it now.  But then I know the timing that is planned is essentially perfect for me.  So I’m trying to be patient but at the same time am ready to get this over with and move on with my life.  I’m part of a Facebook group of previvors my age and it always resonates with me how people say that once the 6 months or so from initially surgery to reconstruction and exchange, healing, etc are over it’s all a blur and all you feel is relief.  While I have anticipation for everything now, I just know that this is all going to be that well-described blur this time next year.  One of the reasons I’ve already been grateful so far to have this blog… I vaguely remember that week of first appointments!  Though then I read back about how I felt that week and that I was making the right decision and any doubts are erased.

It’s been really fascinating to not only self-examine my processing, but also of the people around me.  Some people are so serious they don’t quite know how to take me making light of the situation, and then there’s the many others that join in right along with the jokes (of which there are many… I mean really, we’re talking boobs here).  I have no reason to make this depressing, and at the same time I know just how serious it is that I don’t need to make it any worse.  It’s amazing to me how many times a week I get asked how I’m doing, “when is that date again?!’ and the like… if I haven’t reiterated it enough already, get ready for my gratefulness ad nauseum.  My family and friends are ah.maze.ing.  Though I have to say it’s especially fun when the guys get involved… poor things manage to show up in the worst (best?) parts of conversations… many a time it’s a “yeah, boob talk over here!” warning.  And then there’s those good friends who have volunteered to chair and be part of the “size committee.”  LOL.  I just have to laugh and be grateful for all the support – the entire range from serious to ridiculous (yet awesome).

It really wasn’t a difficult choice for me to decide to be so open about all of this, and I’m already grateful that I have been.  I feel like I’ve certainly spread awareness about cancer genetics, and of course especially BRCA mutations.  To the point that already I’ve had people tell me about their own family histories and begin taking steps to consider being tested.  I always said that it’s all worth it if I even help one person, and to feel like I’ve already done that even at this point in my journey reiterates that feeling.

So here I am.  100 days out.  Ironically, exactly 100 days ago was the first day I met Amy and Eryn.  In a weird way I feel like I’ve known these 2 amazing ladies forever, but then it feels like we literally just met.  Our initial brunch certainly does not seem long ago at all, so in that sense August 6 will be here so incredibly soon.  I’m definitely ready.  I’ve got plans in place for being out of work, or as much as you can plan… it seems that everyone’s recovery from PBMs are so individualized.  I’m not really scared, but more have a fear of the unknown, of the pain post-op.  I’m not looking forward to not having independence for a few weeks… shocker I know!  I’m curious how the drains will feel.  I’m also curious about the expanders and all they entail.  I’m excited that the (final) implants my plastic surgeon prefers were approved in the size I will need last month.  I struggle with whether or not I will feel like I “lost” a part of my body, or if I will be simply overwhelmed with relief… I imagine it will be a combination.  Oh and I really want to know if I’ll ever be able to sleep on my stomach again… it’s the little things, you know?  I guess it’s safe to say, it’s a bunch of mixed emotions at this point in the game, but overwhelmingly my attitude remains: Let’s do this.

I plan to make these next 100 days count.  I’ve been making it a point to put my phone down and really “be” with whoever I’m with and enjoy my family and friends for the incredible people they are.  I’m trying hard (trying be the operative word) to be as healthy as possible so I go into this surgery physically, as well as mentally, prepared.  It seems rather hypocritical to be eating crap and not exercising when the whole reason I’m having this surgery is to remain healthy!  So there.  Now I’m publicly accountable in that regard.  I’m striving to be as “ahead” as possible as work and minimize the effects of my being gone (I know how ridiculously self-centered that sounds but if you know what I do, you understand entirely where I’m coming from).  I’ve started gathering good post-op lounge clothes and scarves.  Many scarves.  For when I return to work with expanders.  And lastly, I’m just trying to be “me” so I can go into this surgery confident in who I am, and come out even stronger.

Thanks again for being along for the ride… updates will probably remain sparse for the next couple months, but I will check in time to time.  Mid to late July things will pick up and then it’s go-time.  Until later…

Just a quick update to get it documented… Had my repeat CA-125 drawn on Tuesday and it came back a lovely 31.2! With normal being <35 I'm a happy camper! Perhaps now I’m done with doctors appointments until July!

Sitting in that cancer center waiting room is just agonizing… It’s a good dose of reality to reiterate that I’m definitely making the right decision. So much pain and suffering, and I can’t help but think that most of those patients would do anything to be in my position and preempt all of that.

Will be honest though… My medical center actually utilizes Epic as intended and the MyChart app is pretty fantastic. It popped up Monday with an appointment reminder to get my labs drawn, but for the first time also on that list of upcoming dates was “August 6: Surgery.” Since I wasn’t expecting it to be on there yet it kind of caught me off guard! It’s official now! Just about 4 months away… I know I sound like a broken record, but even though that sounds far away the way time is flying it’s nothing! Craziness. But I’m ready!