I don’t have anything profound to say, just the cliche “how is it already here?” thoughts that keep running through my head. Work has been crazy busy, but it’s my favorite busy of the year, so it’s really been a blessing in disguise. I told a friend the other day I feel a bit like a hamster. Of course that provoked a rather befuddled look until I went on to explain the last couple months have been like I’m on a hamster wheel, just going round and round, faster and faster.

It’s so hard to believe that I’ve reached this point in my journey. I know there’s still months left to be truly finished, but it’s just surreal to think I’ve made it this far. I had dinner with a friend I met through Bright Pink after she had her first consultation with her breast surgeon and replaying back all those thoughts of making the decision, picking a date, and then the dreaded waiting game made me realize just how far I’ve come.

No, the expanders haven’t been fun, and I sure am glad to be saying goodbye to them next week, but overall I found myself telling her this whole process really wasn’t THAT bad. Yes, it has it’s moments, but the accompanying relief is still indescribable. I’m so very grateful.

But now? Now I’m ready to be done with this chapter. I’m in such a positive place right now with my life that mentally I’m ready to just get on with LIVING. I’m tired of things being planned around surgeries and recoveries. I can’t wait to be at the end of this and reach the initial goal: the ability to go on living without worrying. And yes, I know, there will always be worry. But this? This is different now.

It’s funny that this surgery seems so anticlimactic. But in a way, it’s bigger, because it’s the last step in getting on with my life. My “nesting” has not been nearly as severe, but I am looking forward to a low key weekend where I can get mentally and physically prepared for next Friday. I just still can’t believe it’s already here.

I’m hoping the recovery will be as easy as everyone says it is, and that these 10 days off work will be a mix of recovering and enjoying Thanksgiving. I adore the holidays, and am looking forward to a season filled with spending time with the people I love and making memories versus things. I still am dumbfounded at all the support I’ve received throughout this journey, and truly remain in awe and inspired of the human spirit.

So just a week away, I’m in a good place. A great place. Ready to get this show on the road and truly reach my place “on the other side.”

3 months already… Seems so long! It’s really hard to fathom that it’s been a quarter of a year since I drastically reduced my chances of getting breast cancer. And what a 3 months it’s been! So with reaching this milestone, and with the countdown to being DONE winding down, seems like no better time to tell these expanders, once and for all, who’s boss. And so I present you…

Two Week Notice to Vacate

To: Expanders (also known as: turtle shells, boulder boobs, spacers, coconuts, rocks)

You are hereby notified that your tenancy of the premises (formally known as Diana’s chest) will be terminated on 11/22/13 and on that day you will be required to surrender your position to new tenants (hereby known as Gummy Bears or “squishies.”)

I have chosen to terminate your tenancy for the following six reasons:

1. Foul Appearance

Your attempt to minimize the appearance of major surgery is much appreciated, don’t get me wrong, but the unevenness and accompanying requiring of scarves to circumvent awkward stares and comments, is out of control. Also you’re slightly pornographic looking and not the least bit natural looking. Lastly, the crevice created above you is just plan weird.

2. Poor Form

I realize your attempt to be “breast like” was minimal at best. And you are intended to be temporary. But the hard plastic, particularly in the fill port area, is just poor form. You hurt people when they try to hug. You don’t move in any way natural. And you even hurt when your fellow neighbors (arms) come by.

3. Unruly Behavior

Your unruly behavior began early in your tenancy, but has been tolerated due to your previous necessity. However, you on the left side? And your desire to slide laterally? Totally uncalled for. Uncomfortable, awkward, and just plain weird, this behavior is not appreciated and therefore must end. Also, the landlord would like to be able to go without a bra for more than the length of a shower per day. But your rogue behavior has not allowed this and thus will no longer be tolerated.

In addition, your ability to feel like an elephant on one’s chest first thing in the morning should be commended for accuracy, but is less than appreciated. One would think this would improve as your tenancy continued, but alas, has only gotten worse and more disruptive.

4. Interference with Activities

I realize you may not think your personal activities have such a drastic effect on all facets of life, but your unabated determination to make sleep difficult will no longer be tolerated. The landlord demands to have the option of “stomach sleeping,” and as you refuse to make this is a viable option, you must vacate. Numerous attempts were made to rectify this situation (pillows, Benadryl, recliners, etc) with minimal to no effect.

Also, the landlord misses exercising. And as you are too high risk (after the landlord adopted borderline paranoia from one too many horror stories/pictures) of causing complications, you must go. Endorphins are much more wanted and welcome than you.

5. Excess Noise

Don’t think I don’t appreciate a good burp, because trust me, I do. But breasts should not make such noises without apology. Nor should they slosh with movement. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Hence your replacement with “gummy bear” silicone.

And last but not least, the latest development that prompted this notice:

6. Harassment of Fellow Tenants

We get that you’re heavy. 2.5 pounds of (blue) saline. And that muscle generally does NOT like to be separated from chest wall, but the neck/back pain? Really? Wrecking havoc on fellow tenants is just unnecessary. And gnawing pain causes subconscious but overt snappiness, which is without a doubt unappreciated by all individuals around, and the landlord herself. Suffice to say, the tenant looks forward to decreased soreness, dependence on relaxation techniques, heating pads, and accompanying frustration.

Now, because I really do try to find the best in everything, and in the interest of full disclosure, I will say that I have appreciated your tenancy in one capacity: you did the job you were set out to do, and I have faith that my pecs appreciate you more than I do. Fills went seamlessly and I am the predicted, intended size. My skin looks great. Healing went fabulously. Oh. And you rocked in my Halloween costume – I appreciate your willingness to not require additional support (see: straps).

So I’ve been a trooper and really tried not to complain excessively. And you have done your job without complication (which I am forever grateful for) but your time is up. Sooooo up.

Your cooperation in vacating in this time frame is much appreciated in advance.

Sincerely,
Your landlord since August 6, Diana