Eviction Notice

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3 months already… Seems so long! It’s really hard to fathom that it’s been a quarter of a year since I drastically reduced my chances of getting breast cancer. And what a 3 months it’s been! So with reaching this milestone, and with the countdown to being DONE winding down, seems like no better time to tell these expanders, once and for all, who’s boss. And so I present you…


Two Week Notice to Vacate

To: Expanders (also known as: turtle shells, boulder boobs, spacers, coconuts, rocks)

You are hereby notified that your tenancy of the premises (formally known as Diana’s chest) will be terminated on 11/22/13 and on that day you will be required to surrender your position to new tenants (hereby known as Gummy Bears or “squishies.”)

I have chosen to terminate your tenancy for the following six reasons:

1. Foul Appearance

Your attempt to minimize the appearance of major surgery is much appreciated, don’t get me wrong, but the unevenness and accompanying requiring of scarves to circumvent awkward stares and comments, is out of control. Also you’re slightly pornographic looking and not the least bit natural looking. Lastly, the crevice created above you is just plan weird.

2. Poor Form

I realize your attempt to be “breast like” was minimal at best. And you are intended to be temporary. But the hard plastic, particularly in the fill port area, is just poor form. You hurt people when they try to hug. You don’t move in any way natural. And you even hurt when your fellow neighbors (arms) come by.

3. Unruly Behavior

Your unruly behavior began early in your tenancy, but has been tolerated due to your previous necessity. However, you on the left side? And your desire to slide laterally? Totally uncalled for. Uncomfortable, awkward, and just plain weird, this behavior is not appreciated and therefore must end. Also, the landlord would like to be able to go without a bra for more than the length of a shower per day. But your rogue behavior has not allowed this and thus will no longer be tolerated.

In addition, your ability to feel like an elephant on one’s chest first thing in the morning should be commended for accuracy, but is less than appreciated. One would think this would improve as your tenancy continued, but alas, has only gotten worse and more disruptive.

4. Interference with Activities

I realize you may not think your personal activities have such a drastic effect on all facets of life, but your unabated determination to make sleep difficult will no longer be tolerated. The landlord demands to have the option of “stomach sleeping,” and as you refuse to make this is a viable option, you must vacate. Numerous attempts were made to rectify this situation (pillows, Benadryl, recliners, etc) with minimal to no effect.

Also, the landlord misses exercising. And as you are too high risk (after the landlord adopted borderline paranoia from one too many horror stories/pictures) of causing complications, you must go. Endorphins are much more wanted and welcome than you.

5. Excess Noise

Don’t think I don’t appreciate a good burp, because trust me, I do. But breasts should not make such noises without apology. Nor should they slosh with movement. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Hence your replacement with “gummy bear” silicone.

And last but not least, the latest development that prompted this notice:

6. Harassment of Fellow Tenants

We get that you’re heavy. 2.5 pounds of (blue) saline. And that muscle generally does NOT like to be separated from chest wall, but the neck/back pain? Really? Wrecking havoc on fellow tenants is just unnecessary. And gnawing pain causes subconscious but overt snappiness, which is without a doubt unappreciated by all individuals around, and the landlord herself. Suffice to say, the tenant looks forward to decreased soreness, dependence on relaxation techniques, heating pads, and accompanying frustration.

Now, because I really do try to find the best in everything, and in the interest of full disclosure, I will say that I have appreciated your tenancy in one capacity: you did the job you were set out to do, and I have faith that my pecs appreciate you more than I do. Fills went seamlessly and I am the predicted, intended size. My skin looks great. Healing went fabulously. Oh. And you rocked in my Halloween costume – I appreciate your willingness to not require additional support (see: straps).

So I’ve been a trooper and really tried not to complain excessively. And you have done your job without complication (which I am forever grateful for) but your time is up. Sooooo up.

Your cooperation in vacating in this time frame is much appreciated in advance.

Your landlord since August 6, Diana