In the interest of full disclosure… brutal honesty right here.
Had myself convinced I wasn’t going to blog about this, but then came around when I remembered promising I would blog the good, the bad, the ugly. Well, the ugly came out of nowhere yesterday. I think the frustration of being SO ready for this surgery and having to wait + the 100 day mark and getting impatient just got to me… ugly cry style. In the bathroom. At work. Awesome. It was short-lived, and it’s definitely the realization that despite my best efforts to compartmentalize (while still processing) everything my thoughts have been consumed with this surgery. My whole life revolves around it right now… planning anything farther than a couple months in advance requires “where will I be…” thoughts. And I’m ready to have this past me. So, so ready. I’m ready to think about something else and stop feeling so selfish… to be able to concentrate on the people around me instead of myself. Everyone who knows me I’m 2 things: a planner and a do-er. It’s a running joke that I “get shit done.” Well… this is some serious shit. And I’m ready for it to be DONE.
For whatever reason, the change from April to May today has helped my outlook immensely… 3 months now. 3 months. And they’re very busy, which bodes well for distraction. I know it will all be here in no time, and I’m grateful for having the time to process, but I’m there… I’m ready. It’s like I’m in a good place now I want to take the bull by the horns already! But I shall wait and appreciate the timing… there’s way too much coming up that I would be even MORE upset if I missed… just need those things to get here and this awkward in-between to be over! It sounds crazy in a way that I’m “looking forward” to this… but it’s looking forward to that relief and being able to look back and see these few months as just a blip in history. That’s the goal at least.
Also… Must. Stop. Facebooking. Found that great group for under 30 previvors which has been very informative, and then joined the picture one. Bad. Life. Choice. Tonight, at least. The owner of the group sent me a message welcoming me and telling me not to get discouraged… well touche! That was a valid point. Really I try not to think of the possible complications… because there are many. And they make me physically nauseous. I’m choosing to believe in the power of positive thinking! Though I do keep reminding myself of Amy’s advice of making sure your expectations aren’t too high… this IS reconstruction after all! Have I mentioned how incredible it is to know someone that’s been through this? And that assures you that your random crying is, in fact, normal?! Because wow. There aren’t words.
Anyhow… this is just to document this point in my “journey”… it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. I’m not superwoman… I am very much human. And this is a ridiculously emotional process… something that rational, Type A, list-making me must learn to accept. But I’m good now… promise (really, Mom!) Like I said, May has a breath of fresh air to it. I’m looking forward to some excellent quality time coming up with my family and closest friends… will be good for the soul! That is all…